A Serial Killer's Remorse
by angie2282
Summary: Guilt followed Amanda Young constantly, unrelenting and unforgiving in its path even in her last dying moments.


**Author's Note: The story is written mostly in past tense with Amanda remembering why she did the things she did as she dies (present). I just wanted to clear that up. Oh and no hate intended towards Lawrence Gordon, I just figured that this would be what Amanda was feeling. Eh maybe a little hate, blame Saw 3D and the writers for that. Enjoy!**

Guilt.

It was all Amanda Young felt as the world began fading away as the blood pooled around her.

It followed her everywhere, unrelenting and unforgiving in its path. It started pretty early in her life with the innocent enough cheating on quizzes and tests and it even bubbled inside her in her last dying moments. It hadn't been that she wasn't smart enough, hell she had engineered her fair share of intricate Jigsaw traps but she just didn't see the point.

Her mother had abandoned her and her father was a raging alcoholic who had locked her in the dark for hours when she was small, as a way to not deal with her. What would getting that oh so desired straight 'A' report card do? What difference would it make in her life? She was destined to follow in her parents footsteps.

The guilt had subsided somewhat over the years as she rebelled against life itself, cutting and burning herself to escape her emotional turmoil. Why her? Why was she forced into this life? Why?

Then the day had come when her life had been changed for the first time; she had met Eric Matthews.

It was an innocent enough meeting, they hadn't even spoken. She had walked into the local pharmacy in search of some new supplies for her self-injury kit and he had been standing at the counter smoking a cigarette and ironically purchasing nicotine gum.

After she had ordered some cotton balls and alcohol, Eric had given her an once-over. She knew that her clothes were less than modest but it was all she had at the moment. They depicted her as a slutty yet troubled nobody. No one worth his time.

It must've been the credit card. The dull over maxed card had been the only perk from her low-paying job at the diner. The one thing that had given away her name that day. Eric Matthews had found a new victim little did he know that he soon would become one.

Afterwards, the frame up had played out and despite her innocence Amanda had been sent to prison for 'possession' all because of dear Detective Matthews. Once there, she felt no guilt but instead suppressed feelings of rage towards the man who had ruined her already fragile life.

The heroin addiction she contracted in jail however lead to more tragedy.

Amanda had been sent to Jill Tuck's clinic after several overdoses but it had done her no good. Jill had given up on her just like everyone in her life had. It soon felt as if all she had were her drugs, her escape from this hell.

Then it happened.

She had been suffering from withdrawal after being fired from her job and having no money left over for her addiction. And so she had sought assistance from Cecil Adams, a fellow junkie and patient of Jill's, to break into her clinic and steal some drugs. It should've been an easy enough job but it had gone wrong. Horribly wrong.

With one accidental slam of the door Jill's stomach had been crushed causing a miscarriage. She had lost her baby, Gideon.

The guilt had swarmed through Amanda instantly and she had backed away into a dark corner in horror. Because of her a woman had lost a baby. She had ruined a family. She had taken a life.

The months that followed had been full of terrible nightmares and particularly nasty overdoses one of which had sent her back to the hospital where she had been selected by John Kramer. Jill Tuck's ex-husband, the father of the unborn Gideon, and the soon-to-be-known Jigsaw.

He had captured her and confined her to the infamous Reverse Bear Trap. He had saved her life.

After escaping, Amanda had been recruited as an apprentice and had quit her drug addiction.

She had been drowning and John had pulled her back up to the surface, she had begun to breathe again. For once she had been given a purpose in life a reason to live.

The feeling didn't last very long.

Her first assignment had been to abduct Adam Faulkner, a young photographer who needed to be taught a life lesson.

Amanda had been determined to succeed; she needed to prove to John that he had made the right choice in choosing her. She hadn't counted on Adam making conversation with her.

Their meeting had taken place on the stairwell of his apartment building. He had complimented her 'rock star hair' and invited her to a buddy's concert. After she had declined his invitation he hadn't simply walked away he had done something completely unexpected; he had turned back and asked to take her picture.

With a mixture of confusion and amusement she had agreed and he had taken a professional stance.

_Flash._

After a warm smile and an awkward wave he had left and she had broken into his room. While she had chosen a location in which to hide, her smile hadn't faded. It felt nice to have someone show kindness towards her in such a simplistic way. She couldn't remember the last time someone had taken her picture let alone complimented her.

The realization of what she was about to do had hit her then. But it was too late to turn back now. And so she had hidden away in the closet, pig mask and all, to await Adam's arrival.

The events that transpired proved to be terrible as Amanda's life began spiraling downwards once again.

Dr. Gordon had survived the bathroom trap and he had escaped while Adam hadn't. The cheating husband had passed while the harmless voyeur had been left behind to die of either blood loss or starvation. Lawrence Gordon would be returning to his family but Adam Faulkner would be left behind, confined to his tomb.

The guilt had amounted to be as hazardous as an ailing disease that ate away at her insides, taunting her. Following a nightmare in the recent strings of ones she had decided on what to do. She had to free Adam. His voice, his face, the clicking of his camera had to be erased from her memory. She had to help him.

And with that she had found him in the bathroom, barely alive and with promises of freeing him she had pulled out the plastic bag.

The painful sobs and whimpers that erupted from her hadn't been loud enough to block out the sounds of Adam's moaning as he struggled to break loose. Harder and harder she had pulled on the bag, wanting to silence him wanting to end both their sufferings. But she might as well have had been the one being suffocated to death. The sharp pangs that had pierced her fragile heart were suffocating themselves and she wasn't sure she would ever breathe again.

"I'm sorry…" Amanda had wailed.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry…

Looking back at these words now as she clutched her bleeding neck, Amanda knew they had meant nothing. She had killed Adam regardless of her reasons. She had taken yet another life.

The self-mutilation had started again. The sensation of numbness that resulted from the blade that sliced her delicate skin helped ease the pain. John's games continued and so did her involvement in them, one of which led to her reunion with Eric Matthews.

She wasn't entirely sure why she had taken such good care of Daniel Matthews his son. Of course, John had required of her to keep him alive for Eric's test but she had developed some protective feelings for him that she wasn't quite sure of. At first, she had avoided him not wanting anything to do with the son of the man who had ruined her life but as the game progressed she realized that he had been wronged by his own father just as much as she had. He had also proven himself to be at the very least kinder than his father, pulling her out of the pit of needles and assisting Laura get from place to place around the house.

She only figured out why she cared for him why she couldn't stand to see him get hurt when they reached the safety of the bathroom (where she had determinedly avoided looking at a certain corpse). He was somewhat the mirror image of Adam. Helpless and alone in a world full of people who wanted to harm him, who had harmed him. And she couldn't let it happen to him, she couldn't have another Adam on her hands. She wouldn't let him die she had to help him the way she should've helped Adam.

After locking Daniel safely inside the sizeable safe along with an oxygen mask Amanda had gotten her chance to meet Detective Matthews again. Oh joy.

The reunion however hadn't been the sweet revenge that she had longed envisioned.

She had knocked out and then shackled Eric Matthews inside the bathroom that so often invaded her nightmares. The look of pure hatred on his face had been obvious even in the dim light.

"Game Over"

"You fucking bitch! I'll fucking kill you!"

Even after she had closed the door, his screams echoed through the empty passageways.

The satisfaction didn't come. Only guilt.

She had locked Eric Matthews her sworn enemy in the bathroom where she had killed Adam. She had left him behind to die.

Rage escaped her, reverberating everywhere and reflecting her inner conflict. Another one down. Where would it stop? Where would it end? Did she really want to do this? Did she want to dedicate what was left of her poor existence to killing others?

Eric Matthews had answered her question loud and clear.

Somehow he had escaped and limping on one leg he had tracked her down. The brutal beating she had taken from him that night had been enough to verify everything for her.

"You're not Jigsaw bitch!" he had yelled in agony. "You're nothing!"

Bloody and bruised she had tried her best to walk away. But she couldn't help it. She had taken enough crap to last her a lifetime and she wasn't going to take it anymore especially not from the likes of Eric Matthews.

She had resisted though from killing him. Instead she had roughed him up a bit just like he had done to her until he eventually passed out. Then she really did leave him behind to die this time not giving it a second thought.

Lying to John was easier when you could barely tell left from right. She had stumbled inside the car after cleaning up to find him bloodied and beaten. Apparently, he had an encounter with Eric as well.

"If only he had learned to truly cherish his life,"

The world had caved in around her.

_Cherish your life._

That had been the motto of Jill Tuck's clinic. John had divorced his wife prior to the games because of a tragedy…it couldn't have been Jill…it couldn't. If it had John wouldn't have had recruited her. She wouldn't have become his apprentice if he knew of her involvement in his son's death. It couldn't be…could it?

She soon found out it was. She and Cecil had killed John and Jill's child and he didn't know.

Amanda had continued living with the constant regret and knowledge of her involvement in such matters.

Time passed on and she had learned from John becoming more and more emotionally attached to him. He needed her and she most definitely needed him. He didn't approve however of her self-injury tendencies and had always tried to dissuade her. It didn't work though and she continued discreetly unbeknownst to him. But sometimes not even relieving the pressure helped. Remorse and regret were like buddies, teamed up against her in a battle of emotional stability.

But she had to keep it in she had to keep going. John needed her and she needed to stay strong for him. They had a connection that not even Mark Hoffman, John's other apprentice, could break.

The scumbag had made his hostility towards her no secret but she hadn't cared for she didn't give a damn about him either. Nothing would stand between her and John's legacy.

His legacy…

Amanda had stopped taking his instructions to heart and had begun constructing inescapable traps in which the victims had no other option but to die.

She just hadn't understood why others should be given chances. Eric Matthews had been given a chance and he had taken it to beat her down. Why should these criminals be given second chances when someone as innocent as Adam had been left behind to die? She had learned far ago that John's lessons didn't change bull in a person. They would still be the same scum they were before. She hadn't changed, she still suffered from her emotional problems even if her drug days were over. He hadn't been able to fix her he had merely traded one hurtful addiction for another. This was something that she hid from John however. She was grateful to him taking her in so why should she have questioned his motives. But she knew…she knew.

Then Dr. Lynn Denlon had come along.

John had been in bad shape and had requested that Lynn be captured and tested. Amanda had built a shotgun collar for Lynn that was in tuned with John's monitoring system and would detonate if his heart monitor stopped. Lynn had been told to keep John alive while another subject's trials took place. In short if John died Lynn would die, something that she had made perfectly clear to her.

As the game progressed Amanda's tolerance for Lynn had been tested. The cheating neglectful wife had been just as bad as Lawrence Gordon and had to be repeatedly and forcibly reminded of the rules.

Halfway through the test John had to go through an unconventional brain surgery. Amanda had been on the brink of tears throughout the whole thing. She couldn't stand to lose John he was everything to her. He was everything her father had never been and here he was dying before her eyes. But after the surgery he had taken Lynn's arm and confessed his love for her.

Something inside her had snapped. Love? How could he _love _Lynn Denlon? How could he love this stranger when she had given everything up for him? She had given her life to him and endured the various forms of torture that varied from physical to emotional in order to stay with him. And now he was throwing all that away for this…bitch?

Safe to say, she had strode out of the room and searched for her trusty kit, using the rusty knife she had threatened Lynn with earlier to cut away at her skin. Warm blood had trickled down her thigh as she sliced away all the memories flashing in her mind.

Jill. Adam. Daniel. Eric. Troy. Kerry.

All victims, all lives that had been ruined in one way or another because of her. She didn't deserve to live. Without John's love she was nothing. She was the same worthless junkie that had once walked the dimly lit streets of the city. John's care and guidance was the only thing that kept her alive it was the light at the end of the tunnel that stopped her from succumbing to the pressure, regret, and sorrow. But he didn't care she was but a puppet to him, a puppet whose strings he could mercilessly tug at until they broke.

More and more blood spilt but the buzzing of the angry accusing voices hadn't melted away. Recently, it had become more difficulty to stop it all so easily and the rabid emotions inside her would manifest themselves into rage. That would only make her try harder, dig deeper. Why wouldn't it stop? Why? Was death the only solution to her problems?

Hoffman's letter hadn't improved matters. He knew. He knew all about that night outside the clinic he knew of her involvement in Jill's miscarriage and if she didn't comply with his instructions he would tell John. Hoffman wanted her to kill Lynn Denlon.

And so, crying and sobbing she had loaded her gun and after wiping away the tears she had gone into the sick room. Even if John didn't care for her she still did and she couldn't bear to disappoint him. He had been the first to have faith in her and to see that crumble away would have crushed her.

John had asked her to release Lynn from her collar due to the test subject having completed his trials; she had said no and pulled the safety on the gun.

In tears, she had waved the gun around and finally admitted to John her deeds all except for the night at the clinic and confessed her disbelief in his ways.

"That's right I'm a murderer. Eric Matthews took my life from me so I just returned the fucking favor."

"No Amanda that's what you thought but I know different. You left him for dead didn't you?"

"Stop fucking with me!"

"But I cleaned up your mistakes I forgave you for them"

Mistakes? Had he known even then?

After several more warnings from John she had dropped her head in shame, raised the gun, and shot.

Lynn Denlon had fallen backwards-right into their test subject, Jeff's, hands.

And he had shot her.

In her dying moments John had explained it all to her, how Jeff was Lynn's husband and how her mistake had resulted in 4 deaths. All the rules of Lynn's game-had been meant for her. She was the one being tested.

Hoffman had set her up to fail. He had set her up to be killed.

Now falling to the floor, her eyes wide and blood spilling from the corner of her mouth Amanda experienced one of those cliché moments you would only expect from television. Her life flashed before her eyes.

_I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut  
_

Amanda ran the razor across her wrists the numbness taking over

_My weakness is that I care too much  
_

She held Daniel closely, shielding him from the murderous Xavier

_And our scars remind us that the past is real  
_

Hoffman clutched her right forearm and pointed out her scars

_I tear my heart open just to feel_

She let the knife graze her thigh, blood trickling from the wound, and she held back a shaky breath

_I tried to help you once  
Against my own advice  
I saw you going down  
But you never realized  
_

Amanda suffocated Adam with the plastic bag and sobbed as her heart broke

_That you're drowning in the water  
So I offered you my hand  
Compassions in my nature_

_Tonight is our last stand_

Adam sunk into the icy waters of the dirty bathtub

_I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut  
_

Amanda gasped in horror and backed away from sight as Jill slumped to the floor crying

_My weakness is that I care too much  
_

Adam took her picture and thanked her with an awkward smile which she returned

_And out scars remind us that the past is real  
_

She injected the needle and the heroin shot up her arm

_I tear my heart open just to feel_

Amanda had been reaching her arm towards John who weakly did the same. It fell limply by her side and she uttered her last breath.

The guilt that she had so long struggled with was gone, she felt at ease and light-hearted. The memories though, good and bad, would live on with her.

**Author's Note: This was a sort of farewell to my favorite Saw character of all time, Amanda Young. Hopefully you liked it and please let me know what you think! The song that was used was Papa Roach "Scars" which I thought would really fit Amanda's character.**


End file.
